30+Best Funny Quotes

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. – John Peers

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. – Woody Allen

You can’t have everything… where would you put it? – Steven Wright

And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” – Author Unknown

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. – George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea … visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. – W. C. Fields

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh. – Unknown

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives. – Maurice Chevalier

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. – Woody Allen

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. – Groucho Marx

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. – Ronald Reagan

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres

Ninety percent of the game is half mental. – Jim Wohford

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. – Noelie Altito

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – Carl Zwanzig

Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times. – Unknown

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. – Unknown

It’s not the people who are in prison worry me. It’s the people who aren’t. – Arthur Gore

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. – Unknown

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Ed Furgol

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man….I could be eating a slow learner. – Lyndon B. Johnson

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. – Eleanor Roosevelt

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. – Jack Benny

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

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There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. – Benjamin Franklin

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. – David Friedman

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. – Lily Tomlin

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time. – Marilyn Monroe

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. – Oscar Wilde

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back. – David Brent

Best Funny Quotes

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

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