Before I speak, I have something important to say. – Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. – Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. – Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again. – Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx