I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. – Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. – Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’ – Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield